Having Lots of Sex With Different Men Healed Me After My Divorce
Chapter 1 of my memoir, "F-Girl: a Midlife Dating Memoir."
I’m finally finished with my memoir about my dating life after the end of my sexless marriage. It’s called F-Girl. I will be posting chapters here on a fairly consistent basis in order to get a final feel of the work before I take it down and transfer it to Amazon.
In the meantime, because I’m incapable of not having a ton of projects up in the air at once, I’m also writing a non-linear memoir of my experience as a dominatrix here on Substack. I know—it’s a lot. But you know, it’s the problem of having an overactive brain…
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And now, without further ado… Chapter 1 of F-Girl.
"Sit down," Ulf said, motioning to a chair in the middle of the kitchen. We were in the AirBnB that he had rented for this occasion, and this was our first time meeting in person. I eagerly did as he said and sat in the indicated chair. I'd fantasized about this experience all the weeks we'd chatted online.
When Ulf placed a blindfold over my eyes, a chill ran over my skin. It was an excited chill, but it was a chill nonetheless. Ulf was a virtual stranger. We hadn't even talked on the phone before this meeting. Now I was alone in a room with him.
No one knew where I was. He could hurt me. But even in the face of my fear, I remained seated. The truth was, I was more turned on than I'd been in ages.
I listened as he padded over the tile floor in his bare feet, then heard the refrigerator door open and close. He padded back toward me until I could tell he was standing in front of me again. I could hear his breathing.
"Open your mouth," he said.
I parted my lips and felt him slide something onto my tongue. I tasted chocolate, then a raspberry. I squeezed the soft flesh of the berry between my molars. The juice drizzled over my tongue. The chocolate melted in my mouth, mixing with the flavor of the raspberry. With the blindfold on, these flavors were more intense.
Everything was more intense at this moment. The sensation of the breeze from the open window across my skin. The smell of Ulf's sweat. His pungent scent didn't turn me off. It increased my arousal.
My mind swam with emotions. Okay—so maybe I was still a little scared. I'd come across Ulf's profile on a dating app a few weeks earlier. I'd spent hours thinking about him, imagining him licking my pussy and ass. I'd masturbated many times in anticipation of this meeting.
He was visiting the States from Germany. He'd spent the summer hiking through American national parks. Now he was in Los Angeles just for the night. Tomorrow he would fly back to Europe. We might never meet again.
We had this one night together. He'd come to L.A. expressly to meet me. The AirBnB was near my house.
I was aroused but also nervous.
Before coming to this AirBnB together, we'd agreed to first meet in a nearby wine bar. This was for safety reasons—to ensure neither of us was an "ax murderer." His words. But it was also to guarantee that we even liked each other.
As we sipped our wines in the bar, I stole glances at his muscled arms and the outline of his chest beneath his white T-shirt. I liked him. I'd known then that I was going to sleep with him. But did he like me?
Clearly, he did, or he wouldn't have invited me back to his AirBnB.
I had no idea that he was going to blindfold me though. I had no idea that he would feed me chocolate and raspberries either, delighting my tastebuds.
Yes, I also enjoyed the sensations the blindfold made me feel—the awareness it gave me of the cold tile floor under my bare feet. Still, I felt vulnerable, exposed—especially without my eyesight.
But something also made me trust Ulf. As I listened to him make his way to the fridge again, hearing the door open and close once more, I wondered what he had in store for me.
I listened as he walked back toward me, then felt my blouse being unbuttoned. Ulf reached into my bra to lift my right breast out, then he cupped it with his cool palm. I sensed the freezing touch of an ice cube against my nipple. My nipple flesh immediately hardened.
As I was so turned on, the freezing sensation didn't bother me. Still, blindfolded, fear suddenly overwhelmed me. I couldn't escape—I was Ulf's captive. But pleasure also washed over me. I couldn't wait for him to fuck me.
I knew we'd ultimately get there.
But first, I felt him take each of my wrists and tie a rope around them. He then bound my wrists to the back of the chair. Now I was seriously scared but I was also incredibly wet. Ulf could do whatever he wanted to me.
Somehow, I knew he would only give me pleasure.
This came to fruition when he lifted my other breast from my bra cup and pressed the ice against that nipple. I writhed with ecstasy. He kneaded that nipple between his fingertips. My pussy flooded more.
Finally, he undid the ropes from the wrists and helped me up from the chair. Leading me by the hand into another room, I felt the mattress below my butt as he helped me sit down. We were in the bedroom.
I felt Ulf unzipping my jeans, then he helped me slip out of them. Next, he slid off my panties, then moved my arms from my already unbuttoned blouse.
He unhooked my bra that my breasts were hanging out of. Now I was completely naked but still blindfolded.
That was when Ulf guided me to turn around, so I was on my hands and knees on the bed.
He was finally going to fuck me.
But no, first he licked my pussy and ass from behind—just as I'd fantasized he would. Then he rearranged me so I was face-up, spread-eagle. The blindfold finally came off.
I was treated to the view of his beautiful penis dangling over my lips. I pleasured his cock with my mouth. Then the moment I'd been waiting for finally arrived: he mounted me.
I gasped as his cock entered me. I wrapped my legs around his hips as he thrust back and forth inside of my yoni.
We were both too turned on to last very long. We climaxed in simultaneous orgasms.
After coming at the same time, I felt so close to Ulf. I was also aware that he was leaving the following day.
Let him go. The sex was hot but I didn't want a boyfriend at that moment. Honestly, I was relieved that he was returning to Germany.
I couldn't handle having a serious relationship so soon after my split from my husband, David. And yet, when I left Ulf at the AirBnB that night to go home to sleep in my own bed, a wave of disappointment encompassed me. We had amazing chemistry. It was such a pity that he was flying back to Germany the next morning. I knew I'd never see him again.
Still, I was grateful for what he'd made me feel that night. He made me feel alive again. He made me feel young.
I needed that at that moment. I was forty-two years old, virtually single again after ten years of marriage.
Yes, I was the one who had called it quits with my husband. All that was left to do was to formalize our divorce. But still, as I was all alone again, I felt incredibly depressed. Now I had to start all over again, trying to meet men for romance. But I felt so old!
If I couldn't be young again, at least I could feel young. Sex with Ulf had helped me experience just that.
As I struggled to fall asleep that night, I wondered if I'd ever even truly experienced being young and carefree. I'd always been so eager to find a mate and settle down. I'd never dated just to date. During my younger years, I'd spent so much time worrying about whether men loved me or not. Would our relationship turn into a commitment?
It was as if I thought a serious relationship with a man was the only thing that could validate me. Of course, when I finally settled down with David, I did feel fulfilled — but that feeling was short-lived.
Before I knew it, I was pregnant and had a baby to take care of. Baby number two came soon after.
Then my relationship with my husband slid downhill.
I won't blame it all on the kids, but parenthood did take its toll on our marriage. That and other personal differences we had. At a certain point, it felt like all we did was argue.
But we also fought for our marriage. We held on for ten years.
Then came the point when I couldn't handle it anymore. I left David. Now I was right back where I started: alone.
I wanted to get out there again and meet men—yes, even if my divorce wasn't final. This time around I wanted to experience dating differently.
I wanted to date with abandon, not caring whether my dates became relationships or whether those relationships moved in the direction of marriage. I wanted to fuck for the simple joy of fucking.
That's just what I did.
After Ulf, I continued to fuck my way through my city. Sex brought me back to life after years of emotional hardship.
Are you offended? The common narrative is that men want sex and women want relationships. We imagine a woman recovering from a difficult marriage through love, not sex.
Not in my case. The latter healed me. I literally had the sadness of the failure of my marriage fucked right out of me.
I wouldn’t recommend this for all women. Don't take my advice! And yet, here I am, offering up my experience to show how I got over the end of my tumultuous marriage—through sex and lots of it.
Marvin Gaye was onto something, folks. Sexual healing is for real.
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