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Having Sex With Different Men Helped Heal Me After My Divorce
Chapter 1 of my memoir, "F-Girl: My Dating (Mis)Adventures as a Middle-Age Woman."
Thanks for your interest in reading “F-Girl: A Midlife Dating Memoir.” F-Girl is the story of my dating life after I left my husband—seven years ago now. I went out and had a lot of sex after discovering my now ex-husband had cheated on me. Call it revenge. I was also sexually famished after years of no intimacy with my husband.
In this memoir, I will detail how I used sex to heal from the end of my marriage. No, every experience wasn’t great. Still, I used sex as a way to work through my sadness, disappointment, and my other issues with my father.
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And now, without further ado… Chapter 1 of F-Girl.
"Sit down," Ulf said, motioning to the chair he placed in the middle of the kitchen. We were in the AirBnB he rented for this meeting, our first. I sat in the indicated chair, excited to finally be with him in person. I'd fantasized about this experience ever since we matched on the app weeks earlier.
Ulf placed a blindfold over my eyes, and a chill ran over my skin. It was an aroused chill but it was a chill nonetheless. Ulf was a stranger. Yes, we chatted for weeks but hadn't even talked on the phone before this meeting. Now I was alone in a room with him. No one knew where I was. He could hurt me.
But even in the face of my fears, I remained seated, blindfolded in that chair. I was too turned on to move, too aroused by what was happening. I listened as he padded over the kitchen floor in his bare feet, hearing the refrigerator door open and close.
I listened to the sound of his soles as he padded back toward me until I could tell he was standing in front of me again. I heard his breathing.
"Open your mouth," he said.
I parted my lips and felt him slide something onto my tongue. I tasted chocolate, then a raspberry. I squeezed the soft flesh of the berry between my molars. The juice drizzled over my tongue. The chocolate melted in my mouth, mixing with the flavor of the raspberry. With the blindfold on, these flavors were all more intense.
Everything was more intense at this moment. The sensation of the breeze from the open window across my skin. The smell of Ulf's sweat. He was clearly excited too. My mind swam with emotions. Okay—so maybe I was pretty nervous.
I came across Ulf's profile on a dating app a few weeks earlier. I spent a long time imagining him licking my pussy and ass. I'd masturbated many times in anticipation of this meeting. He was visiting the States from Germany. He'd spent the summer hiking through American national parks. Now he was in Los Angeles just for the night. Tomorrow he flew back to Europe. We might never meet again.
We had this one night together. He came to L.A. expressly to meet me. He rented this AirBnB because it was near my house! Even so, I was still nervous. Before coming to this AirBnB together, we'd agreed to first meet in a nearby wine bar. This was for safety reasons—to ensure neither of us was an "ax murderer." His words. But it was also to guarantee that we even liked each other.
As we sipped our wines in the bar, I stole glances at his muscled arms and the outline of his chest beneath his white T-shirt. I definitely liked him. I knew then that I was going to sleep with him if he wanted. Did he like me? Yes—he invited me back to his AirBnB.
I had no idea he was going to blindfold me once we got there though. I had no idea he would feed me chocolate and raspberries either, delighting my tastebuds. Yes, I also enjoyed the sensations the blindfold made me feel—the awareness it gave me of the cold floor under my bare feet. Still, I felt vulnerable, exposed—especially without the ability to see anything.
But I trusted Ulf. As I listened to him make his way to the fridge again, hearing the door open and close once more, I wondered what he had in store for me. I listened as he walked back toward me, then felt my blouse being unbuttoned. Ulf reached into my bra to lift my right breast out, then cupped it with his cool palm.
I sensed the freezing touch of an ice cube against my nipple. My nipple flesh immediately hardened. As I was so turned on, the freezing sensation didn't bother me. Still, blindfolded, fear suddenly overwhelmed me. I couldn't escape—I was Ulf's captive.
But pleasure also washed over me. I couldn't wait for him to fuck me. I knew we'd ultimately get there. But first I felt him take each of my wrists and tie a rope around them. He bound my wrists to the back of the chair.
Now I was seriously scared but I was also incredibly wet. Ulf could do whatever he wanted to me! Somehow I knew he would only give me pleasure.
He lifted my other breast from my bra cup and pressed the ice against that nipple. I writhed with ecstasy. He kneaded that nipple between his fingertips. My pussy flooded more. Finally, he undid the ropes from the wrists and helped me up from the chair. Leading me by the hand into another room, I felt the mattress below my butt as he helped me sit down.
We were in the bedroom now. He unzipped my jeans, then helped me slip out of them. He slid off my panties next, then moved my arms out of my already unbuttoned blouse. He unhooked my bra that my breasts were hanging out of. Now I was completely naked but still blindfolded.
He guided me to turn around so I was on my hands and knees on the bed. He was finally going to fuck me. But no, first he licked my pussy and ass from behind—just as I'd fantasized he would. After, he rearranged my position so I was face-up, spread-eagle. The blindfold finally came off.
I was treated to the view of his beautiful penis dangling over my lips. I pleasured his cock with my mouth. Finally came the moment I'd been waiting: he mounted me.
I gasped as his cock entered me. I wrapped my legs around his hips as he thrust back and forth inside of me. We were both too turned on to last very long. We climaxed in simultaneous orgasms.
After coming at the same time, I felt so close to Ulf. I was also aware that he was leaving the following day. Let him go. The sex was hot but I didn't want a boyfriend. Honestly, I was relieved that he was returning to Germany.
I couldn't handle having a serious relationship so soon after splitting with my husband, David. And yet, when I left Ulf at the AirBnB, a wave of disappointment washed over me. We had amazing chemistry. The sex was hot! It was such a pity that he was flying back to Germany the next morning. I knew I'd never see him again. Still, I was grateful for how he'd made me feel. He made me feel alive again.
He made me feel young. I needed that. I was forty-two years old, single again after ten years of marriage. Yes, I was the one who had called it quits on my husband. But all alone again, I felt incredibly depressed. I had to start all over again, and I felt so old! If I couldn't be young again, at least I could feel young. Sex with Ulf had helped me experience just that.
As I struggled to fall asleep that night, I wondered if I'd ever even truly experienced being young and carefree. I was always so eager to find a mate and settle down. I had never dated just to date. During my younger years, I spent so much time worrying about whether men loved me or not. Would our relationship turn into a commitment?
It was as if I thought a serious relationship with a man was the only thing that could validate me as a woman. Of course, when I finally settled down with David, I did feel fulfilled — but that feeling was fleeting. Before I knew it, I was pregnant and had a baby to take care of. Baby number two came soon after.
I won't blame our marriage problems all on the kids, but parenthood did take its toll on our relationship. That and other personal differences. At a certain point, it felt like all we did was argue.
But we also fought for our marriage. We held on for ten years. But I ultimately reached the point when I couldn't handle it anymore. I left David. Now I was right back where I started: alone.
I had wanted to get out there and start meeting men again. This time around I wanted to experience dating differently. I wanted to date with abandon, not caring whether these dates became relationships or whether those relationships moved toward marriage.
I wanted to fuck for the simple joy of fucking. I did just that. I was fucking my way through Los Angeles. Sex with various men was bringing me back to life after years of emotional hardship. Does this offend you?
The common narrative is that men want sex and women want relationships. We imagine a woman recovering from the end of a difficult marriage through love, not sex. Not in my case. The latter healed me. I literally had the sadness of the failure of my marriage fucked right out of me. No, I don't recommend my method to all women. I'd be the first one to say please don't take my advice! But still, it worked for me.
And yet, don’t think for a moment that every experience was a perfect one. I had many bad experiences during this midlife casual sex journey. But I’m also glad I did what I did. In a weird way, all these experiences healed me. Marvin Gaye was onto something, folks. Sexual healing is a thing.
Read chapter 2: The Tipping Point That Pushed Me to Leave My Husband.
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