How Do We Discuss Consent When Two 13-Year-Old Girls Are Sexually Experimenting Together?
A child can't force another child to have sex. Or can they?
Not long ago, I sent out the story of my first sexual experience. I wrote about how I fooled around with my best female friend when I was thirteen.
I Explored Bisexuality Because My First Sexual Experience Was With a Female
Though this experience has proved hot to read about — and I think it’s what made me bisexual — I never felt totally in control while having it.
Writing about it has brought back memories of feeling pressured—even violated.
For example, I write:
It was weird to be kissed by my best friend. I didn’t necessarily like it. I didn’t know what I wanted at that age. I didn’t know if I’d even like kissing a boy. I went along with kissing Tess because she wanted it.
I had problems at home myself. My parents were still married, but my father was severely depressed. I wanted to be validated, and here was this beautiful, impulsive girl, who was so much braver than I was, wanting to kiss me.
I let her.
Soon, our clothes were off, and we’d moved to my bedroom, where she wanted to give me oral sex. I assented because she wanted it. When she asked for me to do it to her, I did.
I didn’t lead; I followed. And I didn’t give Tess enthusiastic consent.
Could I have as a child?
How do we discuss consent when it comes to two young minors sexually exploring together?
For quite some time now, I’ve wanted to dig into how we discuss consent when it comes to the first sexual explorations of young people together. I was fooling around with my friend at thirteen years of age. She was also thirteen. We were both technically children.
And yet she was definitely the dominant one in the relationship. She was in charge.
I can’t say she was more confident than I was all around, but she was definitely more confident about being extroverted and getting her way.
I was very shy at that age, the quintessential doormat. I did whatever my friend wanted, whether I had any true desire or not.
Tess was the one who pushed me to start drinking, to start rebelling against my parents.
I wanted her approval.
I wouldn’t have needed it so much had I had better communication at home.
My father was severely depressed while I was growing up. My mother never really understood me. When I had problems as a young person with my friends, I couldn’t go to my parents to talk about it.
Tess could also be abusive. She would put me down a lot. I was the easy butt of jokes.
She would feel angry and take it out on me. I remember her slapping me once. Once she spat in my face. Sometimes she would yell at me, just because she was feeling bad about herself.
I was intelligent and sensitive while she was ordinary and brash. If you want to put it bluntly, she was white trash while I was polished and subtle.
If I wouldn’t have needed to feel loved so badly, I never would have put up with her. That day at my parents’ house, when they weren’t home, I didn’t really want to have sex with Tess.
I didn’t want to get into my parents’ liquor cabinet either. But things worked the way they so often did with Tess.
She wanted to, and so we did it.
So how do we discuss consent in this situation?
I didn’t give Tess enthusiastic consent.
I went along with what she wanted. Though I did feel some pleasure, I would have really preferred not to have been sexual with her.
I wasn’t old enough to be getting physical with anyone — at least I wasn’t mature enough emotionally.
I wasn’t ready but I fooled around with Tess anyway because I wanted to make her happy. I didn’t want to lose her as a friend.
But how do we discuss consent in this situation?
Did Tess “rape” me?
Did she force me to have sex with her? No. She didn’t hold me down. She didn’t “rape” me per se.
It wasn’t statutory rape either. She was the same age.
But in many ways, she was lightyears beyond me emotionally. She was developed, interested in boys. I was still very much a little girl. I hadn’t even gotten my period yet.
So did my friend force me to have sex with her without my consent?
I definitely think she pressured me. Whatever the answer is, at least this is an interesting conversation to have.
We can only have it now because it’s finally become normalized to discuss the need to attain enthusiastic consent before having sex with anyone.
What do you think? I will be putting together a more fleshed-out story to publish in Medium soon, so your feedback would be very helpful.
Please feel free to private message me if you want your feedback to be private. mysteriouswitt at gmail.com
I think children can consent, as long as they are not pressured. Tess appeared to consent, right? Our first kisses are often under 18, and it can be consensual. But legally children can’t consent. And there’s good reason for that. Since it’s so easy to be pressured. But what you experienced could easily have happened when you were 18, and would it have been any more consensual then?