I Dominate Married Men for Money. What's My Opinion of Their Wives?

I try to be respectful. Sometimes it's the wife who's abusive though.

The author in her thigh-high boots, overlooking Los Angeles.

I work part-time as an online dominatrix. I dominate men over text, phone, and webcam. Many of my clients are married. They talk to me without their wives knowing.

How do I feel about this? Do I see this as cheating? How do I sleep at night, knowing I’m facilitating lies and deceit in another couple’s relationship?

Is it cheating if we don't have sex?

I think when asking the question of whether it's ethical for me as a professional dominatrix to session with married men (in any capacity), it’s important to mention that  I don’t have actual sex with my clients.

Even when I was meeting with clients in person, we didn't have "traditional" sex together. A lot of my clients didn’t even believe they were worthy of having sex with me.

Instead, the dynamic between my clients and me is that they exist for my pleasure— but not necessarily my sexual pleasure. My job is to put them through a series of tests that measures their endurance to suffer for me. If they do a good job, then maybe— just maybe— they will be allowed to masturbate in my presence.

But I'm hardly any man's mistress in the traditional sense. I might be his "Mistress" in a BDSM context, but I'm not his girlfriend.

Besides, now that I only offer online sessions, there's an added barrier to actual intimacy.

And yet, if a man is married and doesn't tell his wife that he's speaking to me on the phone or on webcam, is this cheating?

These are just fantasies.

Much of what goes on in session between myself and any man who's paying me is just fantasy. That is, our interaction is make-believe.

We role-play. I play the hot dominant who will keep my submissive's penis locked in chastity for the rest of his life— but is this actually the case? No. But for an hour, he gets to pretend it is.

What I'm trying to explain is that framing what a professional dominatrix does with her client as cheating is problematic. Not only is she not having traditional sex with him, but the relationship itself is often fantastical.

While purists might still claim this is cheating, the reality reveals a different dynamic. Nine times out of ten, once a guy "wakes up" from his fantasy (often once he's finished masturbating at the close of a session), he goes back to being a good husband and boyfriend. Sometimes these men just need to blow off some steam. He does this through harmless role-play.

If some still see this as cheating, at least I don't feel guilty about it.

I refuse to demean other women during play with my clients.

That said, I want to make it clear that I never say bad things about my clients’ wives and girlfriends during our conversations. Even if a client is disparaging his own partner, I don’t believe in demeaning other women.

When men try to say things like they prefer my body to their wife’s, I reprimand them. That’s the good thing about my job — as a dominatrix, I can say exactly what I feel about these men. I can tell the truth.

I tell these guys they should be kissing the ground their partners walk on. I sometimes even tell them that their wives would be better off without them.

Some of these guys have psychological issues and/or they have substance-abuse problems. They’re snorting cocaine and sniffing amyl nitrite without their wives’ knowledge. I feel bad for these women.

As a result, more and more, I try to steer clear of such clients. I don't want to share my space with bad-energy humans.

The wives are not always the victim.

And yet, I think it's important to note that things are not always so cut and dry when it comes to a client's marriage. A married man might session with me without his wife knowing, but I wouldn't say that every married submissive's wife is a victim.

You don’t know how many of my clients’ wives freeze them out sexually. These women refuse intimacy with their husbands. My clients are dying for closeness, which they can’t get from their wives.

These women may be psychologically abusive in other ways, too. It’s not fair to claim that the man is always the perpetrator because he pays a dominatrix for a session.

Some men even eroticize their sexless marriages.

Many of my clients haven’t had sex with their wives for years. This has gone on for so long that they begin to eroticize the fact that their marriages are sexless.

I’ve had clients ask to be put into chastity (the act of wearing a metal cage that locks on the penis and impedes an erection) because they believe they deserve to forgo sex. Even after I say they can take the chastity cage off, the client wants to be told that they can only masturbate to sissy porn (images of two penis owners dressed in women’s clothing having sex) or to gay porn.

Being denied sex becomes the way these men gain sexual satisfaction. I’m not sure how I’m harming a woman who won’t even have sex with her own husband.

So he finds a way to eroticize his sexless relationship… What’s the harm?

It’s tragic when a man can’t be himself with his wife.

And still, I feel sad for some of my clients and their wives. It’s sad to see a marriage that’s not working. It’s also sad to see a man put up with a marriage he’s unhappy in for his wife’s sake.

It’s especially tragic to witness a man who can’t be himself in front of his wife. I watched this play out recently with a male client who likes to dress in women’s clothing. He wants to transition to living a life as a woman (even though he’d keep his male genitalia). His wife refuses to let him do so.

As a result, he lies and sneaks around, calling me when she’s not home, or driving somewhere outside the home to talk to me. He desperately wants to dress as a woman full-time — this is how he feels most comfortable and happiest — but his wife continues to forbid it.

Still, he’s never said anything but good things about his wife to me. He cleans and cooks for her — treats her like his queen. But because she refuses to let him be his true self, he’s reduced to lying to her, secretly expressing this important part of himself with dommes like me.

I had been talking to this man about this issue for a while when his wife caught him at home in a bra and panties. She threatened divorce, so he agreed to throw out all his women’s clothing. He even told me he had to stop speaking to me out of respect for his wife.

I understand her side. She married a man and never banked on her husband wanting to transition to being a woman.

But I understand his side as well. He is sneaking around behind his wife’s back because he can’t be who he really is with her. It’s sad all around.

I’m sure this man will be able to hold out for a while — a few months, maybe even a few years. But he’ll be back — I’m sure of it. He’ll be calling me or another dominatrix. It’s impossible to ignore one’s true nature.

Honestly, I think he should leave his wife, not because I’m evil and want them to break up, but it’s not fair to either of them to stay together. He’s not living authentically. To keep her happy, he has to lie about himself, even suppress an incredibly important part of his identity.

It’s not a just situation for either husband or wife.

It’s hard to judge what’s right or wrong in a marriage.

If I leave you with anything today, it’s this: my married clients may pay me for domination services, but it’s too complicated to say it’s cheating. It’s not so simple to claim that they or I are bad for engaging in this type of activity together.

Still, some people will continue to see the worst in this. Though I do think some of my clients are despicable, and I tell them so, it’s not fair to call every married man who pays a dominatrix for her services a cheater.

Sometimes these men are just in a situation where they can’t be honest with their wives. They have no one else to turn to. So they turn to me.

I listen without judgment. I try to remain respectful of these men’s wives and girlfriends while I provide my services.

It’s still a tricky situation. Any way you slice it, someone’s bound to be unhappy. Some of these marriages are better off ending.