2 Unconventional Ways to Solve a Sexless Marriage
Cheat or open it.
This week, I published two different perspectives on infidelity on Medium. In my first piece, I’m Sympathetic to Those Who Cheat on Their Sexless Marriages, I express compassion for people who seek extramarital affairs because their spouses won’t have sex with them.
But then I came right back a day later to publish, Cheating on Your Spouse Means You’re a Weakling.
In the first piece, I write why I have sympathy for cheaters—but only if they’re in sexless marriages.
The sexually denied spouse simply wanted to stop feeling neglected. They simply wanted to feel desired.
They wanted sex. It’s a very human need.
Maybe you’ll say they should have just left the marriage. But you and I both know it’s not that easy.
Cheating is simply a way to hold on to a marriage. In that case, I’m asking if we’re being too hard on cheaters?
Should we have more sympathy?
And yet, I always acknowledge that I don’t agree with cheating. I see it as but a Band-Aid being used to heal the far greater wound of the broken marriage.
In short, adultery is not a good remedy to one’s marital lack of bliss.
Perhaps this is why in my second piece about cheating, I write why I think cheaters are weaklings.
Divorce means seriously disrupting your life. It means suffering.
So cheaters tell themselves they’re staying for the kids. They might even claim they still love their spouse.
The truth is they want the easy life. They don’t want to leave the big house. Two salaries are better than one. And those vacations…
You can have something on the side and still stay living in the nice neighborhood, enjoying your cushy life.
But doing that means you’re a weakling.
So I have this opinion that cheating makes you a weakling — however, I also have compassion for people who cheat to stay in sexless marriages.
Still, I assent that infidelity is not a good cure.
Could there be another solution to the sexless marriage?
Give your partner a hall pass.
A few months back, I also wrote this piece: In a Sexless Marriage, the Spouse Who Wants Sex Should Get a Hall Pass.
With a hall pass, you have permission to have sex with other people.
It’s different than swinging because a couple is not playing with other partners while together. Why would they? Their marriage is sexless.
Instead, one partner knowingly allows the other to stray. Therefore, it’s not really straying. It’s consensual non-monogamy.
I thought this was a logical solution — which is the problem: it may be too logical.
Most couples, even those in sexless marriages, do not feel comfortable allowing their partner to have sex with other people.
In this piece, I cite jealousy as one of the biggest issues against opening one’s marriage.
Jealousy is in our nature… Even when couples stop having sex, the partner who’s no longer interested in sex often wants to keep the relationship completely monogamous.
And yet, I think honesty is the best way to move forward in a sexless marriage, especially if it can’t be fixed.
If one partner simply doesn’t want to have sex with their spouse anymore, why not permit them to sleep with other people?
The thing is, non-monogamy is becoming more mainstream. As that happens, perhaps “…more people in sexless marriages will open their minds to giving each other hall passes.”
To me, it now seems like the ethical thing to do. Consent to allow your partner to have sex with other people if you no longer want to have sex with them.
It’s only fair.
What’s your opinion?
I would love to hear your take on the subject. Should a person get a free pass to cheat if their spouse won’t have sex with them anymore?
And what about the solution of the hall pass as a way to solve the issue of the sexless marriage? Do you think in the future more people will adopt this fix?
Please let me know in the comments.
Thanks for reading!