I wish it wasn't so difficult to step outside of a marriage. I fully understand jealousy, but I was dying inside before I cheated, and there was no way we were going to have "that" discussion. I've picked the path I've picked and I will pay for it if I have to. I do regret not being able to do it openly.
Fraught as it is with a number of different land mines, my partner and I have (very) briefly discussed the possibility, whether as a return to swinging, basic ENM, or outright polyamory. In that (very) brief exchange, she immediately went to Boundaryville in such a way as to preserve the slight tilt-in-her-favor of our power dynamic. Essentially, as she has done with so many such ideas, she reduced the notion to a financial issue.
A little prequel: I am currently unemployed , and not for lack of trying; when I bitched about it and confessed to being ashamed of it, my partner said, "Stop the shaming. Declare yourself semi-retired, and just find a job, even part-time, just to get out of the house and help with the bills."
And now, back to the (very) brief discussion:
When I asked about non-monogamy, she replied,"Given how we met (on a swinger site), I have no problem with it; but you can't do it with my resources."
Knowing that we live in a community-property State, I said, "Don't you mean *our* resources?"
"I'm not going to pay for you to go out on any dates, no more than you would you help pay for me to sleep with another man. You'll have to find a job to make it happen."
In a later, (much) more heated exchange, she revisited that statement, calling the underlying idea "disgusting"---she used the word three times at once.
Let's unpack this:
1. In almost every other situation, her go-to phrase is "It all comes out of the same pocket." Apparently, that is not so universal.
2. If we proceeded with ENM, her paramour might likely be the one buying dinner or the hotel room. One of our rules would be "no overnights." Regardless, I would, without heartburn, be amenable to shelling out whatever might (within reason) be necessary for her rendezvous, as a way of supporting that upon which we decided to embark.
3. Although she emphasizes her lack of sexual desire toward *anyone*, this puts her in the "catbird seat," a position of potential advantage. She can go galavanting here and there, while I stay at home and wait for a hiring, regardless of whether I can find a date.
I have to ask your opinion: is it truly "disgusting," or is she seeking a means to nip the idea in the bud?
I wish it wasn't so difficult to step outside of a marriage. I fully understand jealousy, but I was dying inside before I cheated, and there was no way we were going to have "that" discussion. I've picked the path I've picked and I will pay for it if I have to. I do regret not being able to do it openly.
My beloved Witt, I think you know my answer.
Open it.
Fraught as it is with a number of different land mines, my partner and I have (very) briefly discussed the possibility, whether as a return to swinging, basic ENM, or outright polyamory. In that (very) brief exchange, she immediately went to Boundaryville in such a way as to preserve the slight tilt-in-her-favor of our power dynamic. Essentially, as she has done with so many such ideas, she reduced the notion to a financial issue.
A little prequel: I am currently unemployed , and not for lack of trying; when I bitched about it and confessed to being ashamed of it, my partner said, "Stop the shaming. Declare yourself semi-retired, and just find a job, even part-time, just to get out of the house and help with the bills."
And now, back to the (very) brief discussion:
When I asked about non-monogamy, she replied,"Given how we met (on a swinger site), I have no problem with it; but you can't do it with my resources."
Knowing that we live in a community-property State, I said, "Don't you mean *our* resources?"
"I'm not going to pay for you to go out on any dates, no more than you would you help pay for me to sleep with another man. You'll have to find a job to make it happen."
In a later, (much) more heated exchange, she revisited that statement, calling the underlying idea "disgusting"---she used the word three times at once.
Let's unpack this:
1. In almost every other situation, her go-to phrase is "It all comes out of the same pocket." Apparently, that is not so universal.
2. If we proceeded with ENM, her paramour might likely be the one buying dinner or the hotel room. One of our rules would be "no overnights." Regardless, I would, without heartburn, be amenable to shelling out whatever might (within reason) be necessary for her rendezvous, as a way of supporting that upon which we decided to embark.
3. Although she emphasizes her lack of sexual desire toward *anyone*, this puts her in the "catbird seat," a position of potential advantage. She can go galavanting here and there, while I stay at home and wait for a hiring, regardless of whether I can find a date.
I have to ask your opinion: is it truly "disgusting," or is she seeking a means to nip the idea in the bud?
Thanks for reading.