I went to a wonderful event this past Wednesday night called “Honoring Erotic Pleasure,” organized by Nadege from Pleasure Science. The event consisted of a panel of sexually empowered women discussing how to have better sex. One of the women—Debra Kagan—mentioned the term elegant slut. Oh my, if I didn’t identify with that.
In fact, I wrote an article a while back on Medium where I used the term sexual sophisticate to describe myself. I see this as my version of the “elegant slut.”
What’s a “sexual sophisticate”?
First, let’s define what I mean by sexual sophisticate. I came up with this term to describe someone who’s pushed themselves out of their comfort zone to move beyond society’s teachings about sex. They’ve evolved beyond seeing sex as embarrassing, dirty, or shameful. They’ve educated themselves and now view sex in a positive, healthy way.
They don’t judge people for being into what they are as long as the sex is consensual. Above all, they don’t feel upset and uncomfortable around other people who are happily indulging in erotic pleasure, even if it’s semi-public.
They’re comfortable with their bodies—confident enough to be nude around strangers. And if not, they can at least be around naked people without immediately seeing it as an opportunity to get off.
They simply hold space for other people to be in their erotic element. They have self-control. They feel sexually confident. They’re sexual sophisticates.
Sure, I see being an “elegant slut” as somewhat different. It’s more about how you conduct yourself sexually in and out of such sexualized environments. It’s about confidently and gracefully experiencing your sexuality with abandon—a transgressive act for women. However, both terms are ultimately related!
I’d even say elegant slut is connected to another term I came up with: picky slut. If you want to revisit the post I wrote about that subject, you can do so by clicking below:
I became sexually sophisticated the same way I became culturally sophisticated when I moved from the country to the city.
So, back to the term sexual sophisticate. I use this term to define myself sexually because it reminds me of my experience moving from the country to the city. I like to say I grew up in the suburbs, but my high school experience was in a town that was a little far from L.A. to be called a “suburb.” It was rural, folks. In my neighborhood, some people had animals in their backyards. And yup, I did 4H.
So, when I first moved to the city at eighteen years old for college, I was a country mouse. I was overwhelmed by the city’s chaos and size and felt insecure around all the urbanites I was meeting. It took a while for me to feel comfortable with life there. But once I finally did, I became incredibly cosmopolitan.
I ate wherever I wanted, whether at a taco stand or a high-end restaurant. I felt at home in any art gallery, performance space, party, or music event. I didn’t freak out just because people were dressed differently than I was. I didn’t feel out of place if people were generally different from me. I became, well, sophisticated.
The same thing happened when I began to explore my sexuality after college. I became a dominatrix and started to attend different sexually free parties and events. In a sense, I was just wandering deeper into the city, only now into the taboo parts. I walked through the forbidden gates into a sector of town I wasn’t supposed to go to. Not a girl like me! But because I had the courage and curiosity to do so, I learned and transformed. I became sophisticated—sexually sophisticated.
No slut hierarchy, please.
Even as I espouse my love for the term elegant slut and wax on about being a “sexual sophisticate,” I don’t want to create a “slut hierarchy” here. After doing a little Googling about elegant sluts, I found a lot written about “classy sluts” vs. “trashy sluts.” Pu-lease.
Everything is subjective. Who can tell what’s classy and trashy slut behavior? Plenty of people think I’m trashy when the real issue is their prudery, shame, and ignorance.
So, I don’t want to suggest that some sluts are better than others. I just think there’s a way to be elegant yet also sexually free. In short, let’s just allow women to express their sexuality without limits or judgment. I just happen to really like the term elegant slut. (Thanks, Debra.)
Some news about me.
What’s going on in my world besides attending pro-sex panels and thinking about elegant sluts? I’m happy to say I’m finally done with my book. I’ve finished the final edit (gonna read it over one more time though.) I’m currently shopping for an illustrator (for the cover) and educating myself about the book launch process. It’s a lot of new information, and I’m really pushing myself out of my comfort zone, so bear with me.
Unfortunately, this means it’s going to be a while before I start writing here or on Medium again in earnest. However, I’ll have a book out soon!
And in the meantime, I’m also really leaning into my other newsletter, “The Accidental Dominatrix” where I’m releasing chapters from my new memoir about the early days of my domme experience. Please subscribe if you’d like to stay updated with that story. It’s free—though you may choose to subscribe to support my work or buy me a cold brew.